Did you know that humiliation is a more intensely felt emotion than either happiness or even anger? This should come as no surprise in the light of the rise of cyberbullying. For Monica Lewinsky, “[c]ruelty to others is nothing new, but online, technologically enhanced shaming is amplified, uncontained, and permanently accessible.” The echo of embarrassment extends to the online community where millions of people, anonymous or not can take a stab at someone.
To understand the gravity of the free-for-all shaming, consider the following exercise:
Imagine walking a mile in someone else’s headline.
Image making a mistake and being reminded of it online every day.
How did it feel? Did your heart sink? Did your gut twist and turn to knots? Did your shoulders tighten? Perhaps you felt sorry and even felt empathy for this person. Perhaps you’re compelled to do something about this culture of humiliation.
I honour Monica Lewinsky for taking back her own narrative. As the first public victim and survivor of the digital revolution, she gave a wonderfully inspiring TED talk last month on shaming and bullying, in the hope that her past experience can lead to a change resulting in less suffering for others.
Set aside any distractions and listen to her compelling call to online compassion.
When Ms Lewinsky’s unfortunate scandal broke in January 1998, it broke online. There was no way to hide from it: anyone could access all the information, anytime, anywhere. There was no name for what we now call cyberbullying and online harassment, for what Ms Lewinsky describes as “the stealing of people’s private words, actions, conversations or photos, and then making them public —public without consent, public without context, and public without compassion.“
Ms Lewinsky invites us to consider the following staggering facts:
- Every day online, people, especially young people who are not developmentally equipped to handle this, are so abused and humiliated that they can’t imagine living to the next day, and some, tragically, don’t…
- From 2012 to 2013, there was a 87% increase in calls and emails related to cyberbullying (ChildLine, U.K. nonprofit)
- Cyberbullying is leading to suicidal ideations more significantly than offline bullying
- Humiliation is a more intensely felt emotion than either happiness or even anger
- A marketplace has emerged where public humiliation is a commodity and shame is an industry. Money is made through clicks. The more shame, the more clicks. The more clicks, the more advertising dollars.
- “Shame can’t survive empathy.” (Brené Brown)
- The theory of minority influence says that even in small numbers, when there’s consistency over time, change can happen. (Serge Moscovici, social psychologist)
- Online, we’ve got a compassion deficit. An empathy crisis.
In light of these facts, here are our collective needs :
- We need to change this behaviour of public shaming.
- We need a cultural revolution of the culture of humiliation.
- We need to be responsible with our freedom of expression.
Public shaming as a blood sport has to stop, and it’s time for an intervention on the Internet and in our culture.
We need to return to a long-held value of compassion — compassion and empathy.
By becoming upstanders, we can foster minority influence and address this compassion deficit and bring about this cultural revolution. Instead of bystander apathy, post a positive comment for someone or report a bullying situation. Support organizations that deal with these kinds of issues, like the Tyler Clementi Foundation in the U.S., Anti-Bullying Pro, in the U.K., Project Rockit in Australia, Day of Pink, Stop A Bully and PREVNet in Canada.
We all want to be heard, but let’s acknowledge the difference between speaking up with intention and speaking up for attention.
Hear Ms Lewinsky’s clarion call to click with compassion:
“The Internet is the superhighway for the ID, but online, showing empathy to others benefits us all and helps create a safer and better world. We need to communicate online with compassion, consume news with compassion, and click with compassion.”
I invite you to ask yourself the following questions and to start a #clickwithcompassion practice.
Are you speaking up with intention, or for attention?
Can you click consciously, and avoid the rush to judgment and partaking in mobs of virtual stone-throwers?
Can you click consciously and avoid the very dire consequences of humiliating someone to death?
Can you click consciously and avoid the darkness, cyberbullying and slut-shamming of fellow human beings?
Have you considered the price of your click? Are your clicks contributing to the public humiliation of someone?
Are you responsible with your freedom of expression, speaking up in the name of compassion and equality and speaking up against bullying?
Are you an upstander?
Happy compassionate and mindful clicking!
Quiet thoughts & Quiet dreams 
Reblogged this on Simone Samuels and commented:
My friend and law school colleague Laure Prevost wrote an excellent commentary on Monica Lewinsky’s TED talk.
When the scandal first broke out and for the years afterwards, all I could think was “What ever happened to Monica Lewinsky?” and “it must really suck to be her.” I would Google her name from time to time out of curiosity. I had a hard time wrapping my head around how one could ever bounce back from the sheer humiliation, public vilification and excoriation of one’s reputation. To have your body picked apart by the media, to be the butt of everyone’s joke…for years… I couldn’t blame her for keeping a low profile. Honestly, I would exile myself. Everyone makes mistakes and must suffer the consequences of their actions, but the consequences she endured were grossly disproportionate to the act committed…especially considering she wasn’t the only person involved… not to mention the issues of politics and power which were surely at play — if only in the background.
Now, I have to say that Monica Lewinsky inspires me. Instead of hiding under a rock for the rest of her life (as I’m sure many people wanted her to do and she may have been tempted to do), she has decided to re-write her own narrative, become her own heroine and pen the ending to her own story. I’m not convinced that she’s coming out now because she has a vendetta against Hillary. Like she said, she’s speaking out because, “It’s time.” By owning her humiliation, she transforms it and acts from a place of power. That’s brave. That’s inspiring. Her unique situation has given her a monumental platform. Besides Brene Brown, I can’t think of a better spokesperson for shame.
This talk is worth a listen and Laure’s post is worth a read.
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